Prepare yourself. Being ill with a totally vague illness has thrown me for a loop over my work these past few days and I have been thinking about what I am doing from various viewpoints and what I hope to get out of it in the end. What follows is a brain dump of my thoughts on it all. Not for any particular reason, certainly not to for any kind of sympathy or even empathy from anyone else (but feel free…), but just because I need to get this out of my head so I can sleep.
It’s 3:14 AM so let’s get it on…
Because the nature of my project is very technical it is incredibly hard to explain it to anyone who does not have a similar background to myself. I can show people things but all people see is the icing - the superficial end product of my work and not the internal workings. This is not uncommon of course - when I look at a painting I see the picture and not the detailed brush work required to paint the picture because I am not an artist. Everything I have ever done has been like this and it does not present a problem for me most of the time. This project has been my longest to date and in the final weeks/months I am beginning to question exactly what I expect to feel like when the project is complete.
Obviously the people in the games industry I demo my work to will understand the nature of it (they better, the bastards), but that is the point of my work - to get me the kind of job I would like to do. But what of my other friends and family? To be honest my family and close friends already have an understanding better than what you would perhaps expect. They are the people who are there when I get in a bad mood because things aren’t going well. They are the people I get drunk with when I have to let off some steam. They have provided the support I have needed, in a variety of ways, to continue working on my project and of course I am grateful to them all. But what about when I finish that final line of code and show it to someone for the first time? What reaction am I expecting? “That’s nice.”, “Cool!”, “Is that a bug?”, “Why didn’t you…”. In an ideal world I would just sigh, turn around and continue smoking my self-congratulatory 2ft cuban cigar (no, there is no metaphore there(!)). Screw it. Who cares?
I am a strong believer in believing whatever you have to, to do what you have to do. But that only works if you are introspective enough as to not kid yourself over the worth (in any measure) of what you do. And worth is relative. That is the crux of the matter. Because a path is of a high value to you, does it mean that you should follow it? Only when the guilt of taking the path is below a level your concsience can deal with? Why is there guilt? Could you be doing something “better” (in whatever way)? Guilt implies your own view of another point of view, whose? Those who disagree with the path or those who are supportive of the path?
I guess that I feel guilt for not taking the various jobs I have been offered these last few years. For working myself hard and letting it consume me to the sometime detriment of those around me, and for running the risk of repeating the mistakes of my youth (not that I’m out of youth yet!).
But you know what? I think I can live with that. I know that this will not last for ever. I know the point when I finish the final line of code will come. And I’m a bit of a bastard. But that’s cool. So is everyone else…
